What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Namastay here or come home with me?
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
We've reached the point of snow return.
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
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