What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
I yam what I yam.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Go to BabaMail
