Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
I told you snow.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Gold riddance.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
You're the only sight I want to see today.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
You’re so pharma-cute-ical!
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
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