What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
I don't normally put all my eggs in one basket, but I wanna be your number one bunny, honey.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
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