I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
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