Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
"I lava you."
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