What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Beach you to it.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
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