I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
I would love to show you first class.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
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