What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
I’m very frond of you.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
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