Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Sleigh, what?!
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
I can get you off the Naughty List.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
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