Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"

Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.

What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.

I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...

Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.

“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”

– Deborah Kerr

But wait—there’s myrrh.

Shell-abrate the good times!

Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.

I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.

I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!

The lager you wait, the better it tastes.

Drink happy thoughts.

Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.

Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.

“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”

What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.

Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.

What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!

A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.

Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.

Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!

Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.

If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?

Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.

Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.

Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.

What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.

What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.

Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.

Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.