Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Don’t be elfish.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
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