Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
I think I found my perfect match
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
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