What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
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