If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
"Time to wine down."
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
I Got to Get You Into My Life
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
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