“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Hey, let's hold a costume party. You can be a bank, and I can be alone!
Hey Bella, looking for a fella?
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
Snow on and snow forth.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
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