Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
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