I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
I find my core strength in you.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
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