Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
You are one well-defined function!
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
"You crack me up."
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
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