I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.

What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.

What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.

Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.

Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.

What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis

What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.

What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.

The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.

Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.

When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.

What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!

I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.

How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony

What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.

What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.

Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.

What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.

How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.

Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4

Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?

Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.

The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.

What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.

Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.

What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?

Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.

How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.