Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
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