What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
"You round me out." — High Card Band
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
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