What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
A round of Santa-plause, please.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
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