When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
You are so right. And I am so left.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
I like long runs on the beach.
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
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