I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
You have a pizza my heart.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
You are un-beer-lievable!
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
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