"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
Can I claim your baggage?
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
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