Keep calm and carrot on.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
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