“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
Summer should get a speeding ticket
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
You're quite the catch, baby.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
As it snow happens.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
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