Can you teach me how to use this machine?
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
Burst into cheers!
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
As it snow happens.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
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