How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
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