Wish upon a starfish.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Girls just wanna have sun.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Love at frost sight!
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
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