She sells seashells by the seashore.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
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