Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
"Happy eggster."
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
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