“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
You had me at cello.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
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