When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
I think you and I could make a perfect Caleb-oration
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
I'm definitely in the range of your hotspot. How about you let me connect and get full access.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
If you were here, Abby all over you
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Funny meat-ing you here.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
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