What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Nathan compares to you
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Let me check your tag.
Yep, just as I thought - Made In Heaven.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
"I make pour decisions."
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.