What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
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