Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
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