Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
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