Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
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