Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
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