What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
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