Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
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