What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
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