What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Can February March? No. But April May.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
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