Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
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