Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
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