Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Can February March? No. But April May.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
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