Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
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