An Englishman driving the backroads of Scotland sees a bonnie lass on the side of road, waving for him to stop. He stops, gets out and approaches her to see what is wrong when the burliest Scotsman he's ever seen emerges from the bushes. Before he can say anything, the Scotsman tells him, "Aye. Masturbate. Or I'll yer head off, ya ken?" In cowering fear of his life, he somehow manages to do as asked, aided by the sight of the lovely lass who he stopped to assist. After he finished, he looked up at the giant Scot. "Again. Or I'll slice you up from nave to the chaps. NOW!" Fearing for his life, he somehow found the ability to manage one more go. Upon completion, he looked up again at giant Scot. "AGAIN, ye tommy badge! Again, or i'll have yer bawbags!" There was no way. "There no way I can do it again. None at all. You'll have to do what you have to do." The giant Scotsman changed his demeanor and said, "Alright. Now you can drive me daughter to Aberdeen."

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Brit are debating philosophy. The question arises: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," claims the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to experience deep emotion when viewing a beautiful piece of art." The Brit sits quietly sipping his tea. After several minutes the annoyed Frenchman says, "Well, what about you, limey? What do you think separates man from the animals?" And the Brit says, "The English Channel."

A lady was showing her dog at all of the local shows but despite having a tremendous dog, she never placed higher than third. She cornered one of the judges after one show and asked why her dog never won. "Well, the problem is that your dog has too much hair between its toes and we have to deduct points because of that. You have a great dog, but it's not winning because of the hair between its toes." Upset, the lady sais, "But I trim it as close as possible! What can I do!?" "Well", the judge said, "go to the pharmacy and get some liquid hair remover and put it between your dog's toes. You'll be able to pull the hair right out and you'll win best in show, I guarantee it!" So the lady rushed to the pharmacy to find the liquid hair remover. She went up and down every aisle but couldn't find it. The pharmacist saw her searching and asked if he could help. "I'm looking for liquid hair remover, and I can't find it," she said. The pharmacist said, "It's on aisle ten. I'll show you." He walked her over and picked up the bottle. As he handed it to her he said, "Now, after you use this, you can't wear panty hose for a couple of days because the chemicals will bond the nylon to your skin." The lady said, "Oh, it's not for my legs, it's for my schnauzer." And the pharmacist said, "Well in that case, don't ride a bicycle for at least a week."