A guy crashes his car and hits a woman. When the police show up, he claims it was the woman's fault. "She was on her phone!" he yells. "And to make matters worse, she was drinking a glass of wine at the time. Can you believe it?" "Sir," said the cop patiently, "she can do whatever she wants in her own living room."

Two old men, Saul and Morty, meet on a cruise and discover they have everything in common. They’re both widowers, they both live in New York, and they’re both culture vultures with a passion for the arts. They spend the whole cruise talking about theater, opera, ballet, music, and art museums. They promise to meet up again after the ship docks. A week later, Saul calls Morty. “Morty, I got two tickets to the New York Philharmonic on Friday. An evening of Bach and Beethoven. Want to come with me?” “Wow! Bach! Beethoven! I could think of nothing more sublime. But unfortunately, I can’t come on Friday night. Shapiro is playing.” “Oh,” says Saul, disappointed. The following week, Saul calls Morty again. “Morty, I got us two tickets to La Boheme starring Andrea Bocelli for Saturday night!” “Incredible! Bocelli and La Boheme - my two favorites! But sadly, I cannot make it Saturday night. Shapiro is playing!” Saul decides to give him one more chance the following week. “Morty, you’re not going to believe this, but the Louvre has sent the Mona Lisa itself to the Met for a one-night-only exhibition Wednesday night. Tickets? Forget it. Not even the mayor can get in. But I managed to snag one for each of us.” “The Mona Lisa?! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Oh my friend, I want to be there so badly, but unfortunately— “Let me guess. Shapiro is playing?” “He is!” “Morty, I’m insulted! I’ve never heard of this guy. Who the hell is this Shapiro? What does he play??” “My friend, I don’t know what Shapiro plays. I don’t know where he plays it. All I know is, when Shapiro is playing, I’m shtupping his wife!”

A man sees a men’s store with a suit on sale… It should be expensive. Hart Shaffer and Marks, but it’s only $100! So he goes in and asks if he can get one in a size 44. The salesperson says, “well we don’t actually have and in stock. The owner puts that in the window to get people like you to come in. Can I show you something else?” The man goes on his way, and a block down, sees the same suit in a different store window. Price is $1800. But he gets an idea. He enters the store and asks, “do you price match?” “Yes, I own this store and I will not just match, but beat any competitor pricing.” “Well your competition has that same suit priced at $100! So what would be your price for a size 44?” “If I was out of stock, like my friend up the street, it would be $50.”

Bob went home early after a night shift as a security guard and exhausted, dropped his clothes on the bedroom floor and was about to fall into bed, when he saw his wife was still in bed. "Oh, you're early!" she shrieked suddenly. "I have a splitting headache, could you please drive down to the pharmacy and get me some aspirin?" Bob quickly grabbed up his clothes and drove to the pharmacy, where his buddy the pharmacist said "Oh, Bob! When did you start working as a mailman?"