Prepare yourself for a marathon of eye-rolling, sighing, and reluctant chuckling. We've compiled 168 of the most gloriously groan-worthy dad jokes known to humankind - the kind that make you wonder if dads attend some secret school of terrible puns and obvious observations.

These aren't just jokes; they're a rite of passage, a tradition as old as fatherhood itself. Whether you're a dad looking to expand your arsenal of cringe-inducing humor or someone who secretly loves a good (bad) pun, this collection has you covered. Fair warning: reading these may cause involuntary dad-joke syndrome - you've been warned!

• I heard they they arrested the devil - got him on possession.

• Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?

• My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

• I for one like roman numerals.

• I wanted to teach my dog to dance, but he had two left feet.

• I asked someone to explain the different between outlaws and in-laws, and they told me that outlaws were wanted.

• I had a quiet game of tennis today. There was no racket.

• I was going to try an all almond diet, but that's just nuts.

• Did you hear about the satellite dish that got married? The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

• I went to a silent auction. I won a dog whistle and two mimes.

• I tried to make a song about tortilla once, but it came out more like a wrap.

• There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.

• I submitted ten puns to a pun contest hoping that one would win, but no pun in ten did.

• I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing the house, but you kids still seem to find a way to get in.

• They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian - well, they're not laughing now.

• I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

• I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.

• Shopping centers are so boring, because if you've seen one, you've seen the mall.

• I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

• I only know 25 letters of the alphabet; I just don't know y.

• I really love the word “plethora.” It means a lot to me.

• I hate it when people say age is just a number. Age is clearly a word.

• RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.

• I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!

• Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

• 6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.

• Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said, “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

• I finally watched that documentary about clocks. It was about time.

• In 2026, I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2025, 2024, or 2023, either. This is a running joke.

• I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

Q: What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A: A satisfactory!

Q: What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested?
A: They gave him a tough sentence!

Q: What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus!

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: A fsh!

Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
A: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad!

Q: Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die?
A: They dilate!

Q: What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A: Mississippi!

Q: What’s the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle?
A: Attire!

Q: What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
A: Anna One, Anna Two!

Q: How do you cure a fear of a speed bump?
A: You slowly get over it!

Q: How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
A: It is either one or the utter!

Q: Why are peppers the best at archery?
A: Because they habanero!

Q: When does a regular joke become a “dad joke?”
A: When it becomes apparent!

• I got a new pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too.

• Did I ever tell you about the time I went mushroom foraging? It’s a story with a morel at the end.

• Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

• They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.

• Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit a-low-ha.

• Does anybody know where a dad can find a person to talk to and hang out with? Asking for a friend.

• I hate my job - all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

• Mom keeps asking why I have so much candy. She doesn't know I always keep a few Twix up my sleeve.

• I found a wooden shoe in my toilet - it was clogged.

• If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

• I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.

• My dream job is to clean mirrors, because I can really see myself doing that.

• I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

• Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

• Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.

• I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!

• Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

• Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

• Whenever you get a bad sausage, it's just the wurst.

• My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.

• Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penneless.

• Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

• I just applied for a job down at the diner. I told them I really bring a lot to the table.

• I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."

• A magician was walking down the street - then he turned into a store.

• My ladder and I are on different levels right now.

• I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

• I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out, it was the refrigerator all along.

• My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.

• I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins - I couldn’t differentiate between them.

• My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

• The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

• I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.

• Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

• My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

• I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.

• I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit - what a huge waist!

• Bigfoot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

• Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.

• A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.

• I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.

• It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.

• I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner - it was just gathering dust!

• My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

• Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.

• If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

• Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.

• I'd avoid the sushi if I were you - it's a little fishy!

• I can tell when you're lying just by looking at you. I can also tell when you're standing.

• Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list, and now I can't read what else is on it.

• Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.

• My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "get well soon" card.

• Lance isn't that common a name these days, but in medieval times, kids were called lance-a-lot.

• I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.

• I bought a thesaurus and it’s terrible - not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Q: What happened to the guy who tried to catch the fog?
A: He mist!

Q: How can a leopard change its spots?
A: It moves from one spot to another!

Q: What do you call a dog who meditates?
A: Aware wolf!

Q: What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A: A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally!

Q: What does a baby computer call its father?
A: Data!

Q: What’s green and has wheels?
A: Grass! I lied about the wheels.

Q: Where do pirates get their hooks?
A: Second-hand stores!

Q: Why are elevator jokes so good?
A: They work on many levels!

Q: Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
A: Because you shouldn't press your luck!

Q: What do you call a line of dads waiting to get haircuts?
A: The barberqueue!

Q: Why do dogs float in water?
A: Because they are good buoys!

Q: What do you call a beehive with no exit?
A: Unbelievable!

Q: What did the doctor say to the panicked man who was afraid he was shrinking?
A: Settle down - you'll have to learn to be a little patient!

Q: Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
A: Because they had a fight and 2021!

Q: Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
A: Because a toothbrush works better!

Q: What do you call a rude cow?
A: Beef jerky!

Q: Why are balloons so expensive?
A: Inflation!

Q: What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment?
A: Tooth hurty!

Q: Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
A: Joke! Joke! Jooooooooooooooooke!

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: Why can’t you send a duck to space?
A: Because the bill would be astronomical!

Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches?
A: The outside!

Q: Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle?
A: They got over it!

Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?
A: Any breed of dog! Skyscrapers can’t jump!

Q: What state is known for its tiny beverages?
A: Minnesota!

Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer?
A: Because it didn’t like its toner voice!

Q: What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
A: Live stream it!

Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
A: It was very sweepy!

Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?
A: Because they often have to draw blood!

Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident?
A: Yeah, now he’s a rect-angle!

Q: What’s red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint!

Q: Why can’t you ever run through a campsite?
A: You can only ran - it’s always past tents!

Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?
A: She said its days were numbered!

Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers?
A: Because they make no cents!

Q: What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
A: You’re under a vest!

Q: What’s the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?
A: Leave the pizza in the oven!

Q: Did you hear about the king who was exactly 12 inches tall?
A: He was a great ruler!

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!

Q: Why is the cow always smiling?
A: It’s in a good mooood I guess!

Q: When did they find water on the moon?
A: When it was waning!

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick!

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he Neverlands!

Q: Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?
A: It’s a big waist of space!

Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop?
A: No luggage, I’m traveling light!

Q: Why did the coffee go to the police?
A: To report a mugging!

Q: What's the difference between a "dad joke" and a "bad joke?"
A: The direction of the first letter!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it!

Q: Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?
A: He couldn’t concentrate.

Q: Why did that new restaurant on the moon close after a few months?
A: It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Q: Where do penguins keep their money?
A: In a snowbank!

Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole-in-one.

• I have a joke about putting in a light bulb, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

• I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.

• I have a joke about banking, but I lost interest.

• I had a joke about boxing, but I missed the punch line.

• I have a joke about cows, but I don't want to milk it.

• I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.

• I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.

• I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

• I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.

• I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.

• I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.

• I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.

• I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

• I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.

• I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.

• I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.

• I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.

• I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.

• I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.

• I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts to tell it.

• I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn't concentrate.

• I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

• I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

• I have a joke about nepotism, but I'll only give it to my kids.

• I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.

• I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.

• I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.

• I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.

Q: Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
A: She had bad blood!

Q: How come the Hulk doesn't lose his pants when he transforms?
A: The experiment altered his jeans!

Q: What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath?
A: Bubble 07!

Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Because he's only got tiny legs!

Q: What concert costs just 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s email password?
A: 1Forrest1

Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to sleep?
A: He puts his PJ-Amazon!

Q: How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
A: You follow the fresh prints!

Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast?
A: On the dark side!

Q: Why won't Apple start making cars?
A: They wouldn't support windows!

Q: Why does Marvel advertise The Hulk the most?
A: Because he's basically one big Banner!

Q: What type of coordination was Whitney Houston most famous for?
A: “Hand eeeeyeeeeee!"

Q: What do you say when Dwayne Johnson buys something to cut with?
A: Rock pay-for scissors!

• People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.”

• My daughter asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall." I said maybe.

• I had a joke about Nirvana, but Nevermind.

• I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness.

• I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.

• To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!

• To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.

• To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

• To the person who stole my limbo stick: That was a new low.

• To the person who stole my dictionary: I have no words.

• To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.

• To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.

• To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I hope you can't sleep at night.

• To the person who stole my power steering: I just can't handle it.

• To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

• At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.

• I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

• I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.

• I used to run a dating service for chickens, but then I was struggling to make hens meet.

• I broke my finger last week, but then on the other hand, I'm okay.

• I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

• I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but then it was too time-consuming.

• I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.

• I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, but then it dawned on me.

• I used to be addicted to basketball, but then I rebounded.

• After dinner Mom asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but then I made it.

• We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but then the second floor is another story.

• My family left me because of my obsession with pasta, but now I'm feeling cannelloni.

Q: What do you call someone who raises hens?
A: A chicken tender!

Q: Why did the cookie go to the nurse?
A: Because it felt crummy!

Q: What did the farmer say when he bought two ducks and a cow?
A: Now I have quackers and milk!

Q: How do you get a mouse to smile?
A: Say “cheese!”

Q: Why do giraffes have such long necks?
A: Because they have smelly feet!

Q: What do you call a dancing cow?
A: A milkshake!

Q; What do you give a sick lemon?
A: Lemon-Aid!

Q: What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!

Q: What falls in winter but never gets hurt?
A: Snow!

Q: What fruit do twins love?
A: Pears!

Q: What bird is always out of breath?
A: A puffin!

Q; What do you do when a dinosaur sneezes?
A: Get out of the way!

Q: What did the pineapple say to the banana?
A: Nothing, silly! Pineapples can't talk!

Q: What kind of shoes can frogs wear?
A: Open-toad sandals!

Q: Why do trees get emotional in spring?
A: They always feel a little sappy!

Q: What do you call a sad strawberry?
A: A blueberry!

Q: What kind of bagel can travel?
A: A plain bagel!

Q: Where can you learn to make ice cream?
A: Sundae school!

Q: Where’s a place you should never take a dog?
A: A flea market!

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: Because they like to fight knights!

Q: What type of music do the planets enjoy?
A: Nep-tunes!

Q: What do you call sheep rolling down a hill?
A: A lambslide!

Q: Why was the nose sad?
A: It was getting picked on!

Q: What's the best kind of music to listen to when you're fishing?
A: Something catchy!

Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste!

Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch!

Q: What did the tree say in spring?
A: What a re-leaf!

Q: How do you make a robot angry?
A: Keep pushing its buttons!