My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.