What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.