How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.