What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!