As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.