I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.