I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.