Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down