Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.