Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Only a**holes use bidets.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.