A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.