what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Only a**holes use bidets.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.