My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Only a**holes use bidets.