I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.