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Two Jokes

Tableware Puns
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Grocery Store Pick Up Lines
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
Coffee Shop Pick Up Lines
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
Elvis Pick Up Lines
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Yard Puns
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
Funny Health Quotes
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
Kitchen Puns
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Utensils Puns
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Food Quotes
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett