Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.