What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.