What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.