It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.