What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!