Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.