I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.