I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!