Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.