I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.