My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.