My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.