I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl