I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"