Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it