A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.