I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!