I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.