What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.