I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.