Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.