I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.