I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.