The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.